Good Enough

 We live in a world that tells us that we should pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and be dependent on no one but ourselves.  That's just what good people do, right? They battle, they fight, they never admit that they need help or that God forbid they have failed. 

Our success is measured by how much money we have, how many friends we have, how we appear to those around us.If we own up to our lack of success, our needs that we can't supply ourselves, or our failures as humans we are shunned or looked down upon by the "successful." 

It's a hard world to live in. Especially this one built upon false pretense. Having the nicest of things is great, but it shouldn't measure our success. This is not a new message. Unfortunately, it's one that is pushed by society. Not just here in America, but all over the world. 

Don't let people in on your struggles.  Don't ask for help. Pretend you've got it all together. Suffer in silence. 

I can't. 

I may not fit in with the norm, but I'm all for honesty and being open about our struggles, our fears, our needs. I'm not really good at pretending to be something I'm not. I come by that honestly.  

This lesson about being open and honest with real life has always been my thing- because I don't have a good poker face- but I gathered a better understanding of it when I watched my Mom fight her 3 year cancer battle. 

Being open and honest allowed others to demonstrate their love for Jesus and for her. I can't describe to you how blessed we were by the support we received. Prayer. Food. Gifts. Money. It was overwhelming and wonderful to see God's love being poured out on Momma. It overflowed and encouraged all around us. I will NEVER forget.

After losing mom, 3 years ago in February,  I've witnessed this blessing of God in my own life, on so many occasions. I struggle financially. Pretty much everyone around me knows b/c I'm a worrier and I worry out loud often- but this is because this culture of I've got to take care of this myself and I feel like a failure because I can't, is ingrained in me.

I chose to be obedient to the Lord and didn't take a job that would provide more financial security. I don't have a spouse to help split the bills- I'm not going to chase that either.  If the Lord wills it, it will happen. 

So for now, I struggle to pay all the bills that life brings about. (Doctors, vet, taxes, there is always something) I try to save and be a good steward of the things the Lord has given me, but on my own it's a struggle.  This is where trust comes in, I have to trust that the Lord will provide. 

The thing is, He does. He has. Over and over again. I don't deserve His goodness. I don't deserve His kindness and love. Yet, because I'm His child, He lavishes these things on me. Even though I usually fail to rest in Him and trust that He will provide for my needs. He still does, my lack of faithfulness doesn't make His faithfulness null. 

In fact, in the last two weeks, He has demonstrated His kindness to me through so many people. I praise God for them and kindness. 

I may never be wealthy or even have enough to cover the bills. I may be single forever. I will encounter more loss and pain. I will have health problems. Life won't be easy. Trusting God and being obedient won't miraculously make things better or perfect.  

Even so, I will continue to trust God. I will continue to wrestle to break away from this pride and worry that infect my life, because He is worth it. Even if He never provides another thing. He is worthy of all my trust. With all my life. 

To the Girl Without Her Mom on Mother's Day

It's been a long while since I've had the desire to write, but this has been rolling around in my head for a few days now, so prayerfully I can voice my heart and encourage you as you read this. I don't have a clue who will read this, but I do have some friends who come to mind as I consider Mother's Day this Sunday. I am praying for them and I am praying for you, if you are reading this and can resonate.

So. To the Girl without a Mom on Mother's Day. To the one who is experiencing her first holiday without her, or her third - like me. My situation may not even be the same as you. You might not feel the void like I do, but maybe you do. If so, this is for you.

Here are some things that I have learned in my three go arounds.
1. It's okay to cry and be sad. You don't have to let it go. You don't have to be okay. People may make you feel like you have to pull up your big girl panties and move on right away. You will. When you are ready. Personal grief has it's own timeline. You'll know when you start to heal. It will look different for each person. So I can't tell you how it will work. I can just tell you that healing comes, but the ache for your Momma doesn't go away. It hits you out of the blue. Some people dream. I did. They were wonderful, and then I woke up. Reality kind of takes your breath away - and not the good way. So be you. Cry. Be sad. Mourn. It's okay. the Bible teaches us that those who mourn will be comforted. I'm sure I just took that out of context, but it's true in this case, too. When I give my broken heart and my grief over to the One who cares the most about it, that's when healing begins. I know from my own experience. I'm so thankful and so encouraged to know the Lord will redeem (use) everything. Even my grief. Even your grief. You just have to allow Him to work. It's not always pretty and boy does it hurt, but it's good. BUT IT'S GOOD.

2.  Mr. Rogers (you know Mr. Rogers - the guy with the puppets and cardigan) said, in times of crisis look for the helpers (Or something like that, I'm too lazy to google the actual quote). We've been doing a lot of that in the past two months, thanks to this virus fiasco. I'm so grateful for them during this time and I'm so grateful for those who have helped me through my personal crisis, they still do. They are God sent, sometimes they stick around for a long time, sometimes God takes them or moves them, but they are there when you need it.

3. You are not alone. I'll say it again. You are not alone. You are not alone. Don't listen to the lie that you are. Yes, you may be single, you may not have children, you may be a caregiver and you feel like the only one who cares. You may have family who is far apart.  You may be a mom yourself, with a busy family to care for. You may literally be the only person left in your family, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you are a believer and child of God, Your Savior is the reason you wake up each day and He is carrying you through - even if at the time you can't tell. You'll figure it out eventually.  If you are not a believer and child of God, He is right there waiting for you. You don't have to be alone. If you want to know more about that, let me know. I'd love to help you. Not only is God with you, but you have friends who genuinely do care. They want to be let in. Be real with them and those true friends will walk with you a long your journey.

4. It's okay to heal. After mom died, the first time I laughed at something, I felt so guilty. The first time I allowed myself to enjoy something, I felt guilty. In fact, just two days ago, I was walking through Kroger and I noticed all the flowers. I said to the florist, wow it looks like a flower explosion in here. I walked on thinking, why are there so many flowers. (Sometime I'm dumb, just forgive me.) Then as I came back through the flowers, it hit me  (really hard) "Oh. It's Mother's Day this weekend." That night I started to get really emotional and ended up having a panic attack, which woke me from my sleep. The next day, I was just so sad. Last night, before I went to bed, I made a deliberate effort to sit and journal my heart to the Lord. It was refreshing and today, I know that healing has taken place. Clearly, I can't heal myself, but I know who can. I pray that you who is actually reading this will turn to God for true healin
g. It may not be grief at Mother's Day. It may be grief at losing a job, or grieving the dreams that you had for your life that never came to fruition. It could be anything really. Healing can be found, but you can't do it yourself. Seek the Lord. He's in the healing business. Not just the physical stuff, but the heart stuff.

On this Mother's Day, whether your 1st, 3rd, or 33rd. Remember your Mom. Be thankful for her. Mention her name. Share her photo. Celebrate her and then celebrate those who are helping you and caring for you in her place.


Kristen

He Speaks to Me.

So, I'm a little behind, but it's still January, so it's still valid to write a blog about the new year, right? lol. 

I was sitting in my chair on New Years Eve morning, watching the Today show. They were doing a countdown of all the events of 2014. The music started playing and before the video started rolling, I started bawling. Not just tears streaming down my face, but like crazy lady crying. It came out of the blue. I guess as I had begun thinking about 2014, I started thinking "What a hard year!" I don't want to go through one of those again.
When your world gets flipped upside down - even if it was by choice, you have two options you make the best of it and see your new life as an adventure or you do like me and fall apart. I don't recommend the latter - it makes it really hard to move on. Maybe if I was a better Christian, I would have done better. Maybe not, maybe this girl needed to fall apart, so that God could do some major work in her life. 

Anyway, I had hoped that Christmas vacation would allow me to pause life so I could get back on track, but mostly I sat at home sinking further into a dark place, not understanding how I had let myself get to this point. I enjoyed my times with family and friends, but when I was alone it was pretty bad. I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. Finally, I just cried out to God asking Him to help me, because I am a wreck and need Him to pull it back together. 

You know what happened? He did, he started putting the pieces of me together. He started showing me what the real problem was, He started speaking to me. It started at Sunday school. I had barely made it in time, because I was struggling that morning. We talked about depression, not the clinical kind, but the kind that many people go through. We talked about how most people in the church shy away from the topic because Christians are supposed to have it all together. That day, I began to realize that God was telling me that I needed to stop pretending like I was doing good, when in reality, I was falling apart. 

Then in another church service my pastor began talking about the new year and how as a believer we should not make resolutions, but we should make a New Year's Revolution. Not just a small change, that probably wouldn't amount to much, but a life altering change. Christ wants to revolutionize my words (be warning others and encourage others), my walk (be a helper and be a patient leader), my will (seeking God's will toward other's and show forgiveness), and my worship (true worship requires prayer, thanksgiving, testing, obedience, and openness.)  

This sermon really helped me to think about this past year, especially the past six months. I am in this place because God has called me here, yet I've struggled to really live. Maybe because it hurts to let go of the past, maybe I don't want to become attached, maybe I'm afraid, maybe I am focused on myself too much and am not focusing on God and the people to whom He has called me to serve. 

This morning, after another struggle filled day yesterday, I made myself sit down to do my devotional, It reminded me of the hymn, The Love of God, which says 

O love of God, how rich and pure!
  How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure—
    The saints’ and angels’ song.

 This has been the theme of my day today, after a night of tears and stress about money, Don't fear, because God loves you. He will care for you. (The cover of our church bulletin today had a bird on the front, with the verse about the sparrows - God cares for even the little sparrow, how much more will He care for you... (Loose paraphrase, lol))
Then again our Sunday school lesson and sermons today were like God was speaking directly with me. I'm so thankful that He does speak. I'm so thankful that He knows my struggle. I'm so thankful that I'm not stuck, but rather being molded and made into a better version of this messed up child, one that is more like Christ. I'm thankful He speaks clearly. This morning, I had that song in my heart, tonight we sang it at church. Think it is a coincidence? No? Me, either. 

Listen to the song here. 

The Love of God - Mercy Me

Settling in...

Tonight, driving home from church, watching night quickly roll in, I had this moment of disbelief that I was here in Arkansas in September. Not visiting, not home for a funeral, but home in Forrest City, Arkansas. It feels unreal that this is home now. At first I was unsure. I kept asking God why He sent me here. Sometimes I still wonder. 
As summer dwindled and prep for school began to become my main focus, I was left with little time to wonder about God's plan. He began to remind me through different avenues that His plan, His purpose for my life was good. It didn't matter if I didn't understand it. It didn't matter if I liked it or not. His plan was good and my job was to be obedient to Him.
School started and I met the ten kids who would eventually consume most of my thoughts throughout the day. Like any normal teacher, I also began to think about them at home, too. How can I help them? How can I not get so frustrated? How can I fix our crazy afternoons, so that we stay on task? What can I do to be a better teacher to these ten rambunctious, chatty, silly, forgiving, loving, helpful kids? I also began thanking the Lord that He only gave me a class of ten. 
I began to pray for each of them. I prayed for their families. I prayed for the best way to help them succeed in the classroom. I prayed that I would love them like I loved my kids in Korea. The good news is that God is opening up my eyes to the beauty in each of them. I see a boy so joyful and looking for the good in everything. I'm seeing another boy who has quite a creative side, he just needs to know how to use it. I see girls who love to help me (even though they don't want their mothers to know, lol.) I see a girl who struggles, but put a sweet note on my desk today. It said, "I'm stupid... but I'm glad that you care about me." I see a boy who struggles, but loves to give gifts. I see a group of kids that LOVE to sing and if you know me very well, you know it's one of my favorite things to do, too.  I see students loving to learn new Korean words. Each day at lunch we 기도합시다 kee-doe-hap-shee-da ("Let's Pray") and they know the phrase 앉아 ahn-jah (Sit DOWN) better than any other. It makes me smile. 
I also began helping as an assistant volleyball coach for the three teams (Elementary, JV, Varsity). I didn't know what to expect, but I have been blessed by the the sweetest group of girls and their kind and encouraging parents. I'm looking forward to another season of  Lady Eagles Volleyball. Only this time, I yell Go Red instead of Go Blue (which I did yesterday during the game... lol) 
Lastly, I joined a church on Sunday. I've been visiting for most of the summer. I struggled with the decision, not because I felt called to another church, but because it meant letting go of the two churches that I have loved so dearly over the last 10/15 years. My church in Korea was one of my favorite places to be, I loved teaching youth Sunday School. I loved being a part of the praise team. I loved my family there. It hurt so much to leave them. I also had to let go of my church in West Memphis. I love FBC WM dearly, but it's just a little too far for me to actively be involved. After prayer and God giving His peace, I now call Ridgewood Baptist Church my home. I'm excited to be a member and more excited to see how God will direct me to serve there. I love church and it's the day of the week that I generally look forward to the most. I'm thankful this one is close by and for the wonderful people I'm already getting to know. 

So, you see, God is good. His plan and His purpose is not only for His good. It's also for mine. I miss Korea, I miss my kids, I miss my church, but I am beginning to settle in and I am thankful for whatever it is God has planned. 

He Goes Before Me (Details)

So, in my last post (in January... terrible I know...) I was beginning the process of "Letting Go." It was pretty terrible. Even though it was hard, I was able to spend quality time with the people that were such a big part of my life. I'm so thankful for those precious times. Playing basketball with some of my favorites (you know who you are #'s 1 - 4), "Senior trip to Seoul", Church praise team, dinners with friends, and so much more. Saying goodbye or "see you later" is no fun, but it is definitely a part of the letting go process. As the school year, wound down my heart broke more and more thinking about saying goodbye. At the same time, I didn't know what the future held for me, so of course that added to my wandering thoughts. I finished school moved out of my apartment, moved away from Korea, went to Hawaii for a glorious vacation and time to relax. We got home on Saturday. Since then, I've been to church, helped hand out flyers for a missions event our church is hosting this week. I've had 2 interviews, signed a contract for a job, signed a contract for a rental house, and signed a contract to purchase a car. I've also been involved with a 3 day Block Party/Backyard Bible Club/Church outreach event.

Many of you have wondered about the details of this new job, my house, and car so here goes.

February - I applied to teach at a local Christian school.
March - Still no reply from that school, Went to the Philippines for Spring Break Missions. The night I left the Philippines, I received a facebook message from a friend. I had noticed that she moved back to the area, so I sent her a message to ask what she was doing and where she was teaching. When she wrote back she told me about the school in which she was teaching. She asked if I was interested in teaching there. I said, maybe, I applied to another school but they never responded. So, she put me in contact with her principal and I've been in communications with this school since then.
When I read the job openings, I was a bit in awe of what was available.
Brief Rundown of my job experience:  My degree and certification is Elementary Ed: Preschool - 4th Grade, but I've been teaching Middle School/ High School Science for the past 10 years. I've also taught Elementary Computers and PE, and secondary PE. I coached at different times and different levels for the last 10 years volleyball, basketball, and soccer.
The job openings that were available were: 1st Grade, 4th Grade, MS/HS Science, Athletic Director, Basketball Coach. I felt like this was definitely of God. Then after talking more with the principal, I found out that the science program used the exact same curriculum that I had been teaching for the last 10 years. Another amazing thing.
Anyway, I found out in May that they had already offered this position to someone else, but they really wanted me to come there to teach, so they asked if I would be interested in teaching 4th grade for the school year and then possibly could move into the secondary the following year if I was interested. I wasn't so excited about teaching elementary, even though that's my degree, because I have absolutely loved teaching MS/HS students.
I was willing to give it a try though, because who knows, maybe I'd still like it. So, I said I would consider it.
I've been waiting for a final interview with the school board since that time....
House info: during this time, my parents heard about a friend who had a house they were trying to sell in Forrest City, I wasn't looking to buy, but ask my parents to go check it out in case she wanted to rent. They went to visit, but the house wasn't in good conditions or in a good neighborhood. The neighbors who had the house key shared with my parents that their church had a rental house that they rented out to people - although it wasn't listed. They were picky about renters. Anyway, mom and dad went to check out this house and they loved it. It's a little 3 bedroom with 2 bathrooms. The lady who showed them the house was on the church rental committee, so she said they would consider reducing the rental cost. Mom said we'd contact her when I got home.

Fast Forward to This week.
We flew in Saturday afternoon. Monday I had an interview, I thought it was supposed to be with the school board, but instead it was with the principal and another administrator. We met for quite a while. They asked me to come back Tuesday to meet with the school board.
Tuesday Mom had the day off, so she went with me. While I was meeting with the school board, she contacted those people about the house. So after my meeting and we had lunch, we went over to look at the house. It is an older home, but it's nice and small perfect for one or two people. They told us that the committee had agreed to reduce the rent for me, because after they met my parents they felt like this house was meant for me. They reduced the rent to $300.00 a month. That's totally unbelievable, because most apartments are renting for over $400.00 a month.
Not only that, but were going to give me two couches, a refrigerator and a stove to use for no charge.
I hadn't received a contract yet, so I said if I get the contract tomorrow, I will definitely rent from you.
Wednesday (Yesterday) I went back received and signed my contract. Then I contacted the rental people and I met them, payed 6 months in rent (Thanks to the Korean Gov't. for sending my pension so quickly!) and then drove back to C'ville. On the way I stopped at two car dealerships, looked around got some prices and then went home. Once I was home my dad took me to another car dealership, where he knows people, and while looking around, I found the perfect car for me. Because I had my pension money, I was able to put a big chunk of change down, making my car payments pretty feasible. So, by the end of the day I had a new job, a house, and a new car.
What a day.

Yesterday my mom was telling people at her work about my situation and one of the guys said, man she moves quickly. Mom's reply was "No, God went before her." This is so true. His hand is written all over this, His provision has been evident from the moment I chose to follow Him and "Let Go" of the place I absolutely love, Korea. It hasn't been easy and I know there will be hard days as I adjust to many things (like being an American again, teaching elementary, living "at home, but not at home", etc...) but I know He is with me each step of the way.
P.S. as of this moment I have been given (offered) these things for my new home: 2 Couches, 3 Recliners, Dryer, Kitchen table and chairs, 2 desks, dishes and other kitchen things, and so much more. God is good. I'm thankful for the friends He is using to help me. Amazing...

Let It Go

So, I just got back from watching the newest Disney movie, Frozen. I heard it was a great movie from many different people. I totally agree. I've been walking around singing the main song from the movie, Let It Go thanks to Michelle, one of my basketball players, who was randomly singing it while we were eating lunch after a practice. Anyway, they got that song in my head and as we got closer to the release of it here in Korea, that song started popping up everywhere. So, I had a pretty good grasp on the chorus before I even saw the movie.

We had talked about watching the movie as a team (their idea), but the girls bailed on me, so I took my friends' daughter. She's a 2nd grader at our school and part of my "Korea" family. Knowing that we will all be leaving Korea at the end of the school year, I've been trying to spend some special time with each of their youngins. So, Abby and I went to watch Frozen tonight. We got to see the 3D version, which was even more fun.

When it finally came to the part where Elsa sings  Let It Go, I was ready to sing and dance my way through it. Anyway, after I got home and settled in for the evening, I couldn't get that song out of my head. So, I went over to good ole' YouTube and found the song. After listening to it (repeatedly), I began think about one of the major themes (I'm no scholar, but this is what I took away) in the movie, "Letting fear hold you back from living your life."
Many people live their lives in fear. Fear of the unknown future. Fear of people's opinions.  Fear of failure. Fear of death, sickness, injury, loneliness, loss, poverty... the list could go on and on. For me, I find fear (aka worry) likes to creep up often. I try to keep it at bay, but if I'm not careful my mind likes to take trips to the fear factory. I can't be the only one who struggles, because there are so many songs, movies, tv shows, books, and scripture references that deal heavily with this topic. I had the thought, I wonder how many times the Bible says 'Fear Not' or 'Do Not Be Afraid', I tried to do a quick search, but after scanning through www.Biblegateway.com, I was overwhelmed, so I just googled it. Unfortunately, the results from Google were just as overwhelming. Maybe someone with more knowledge and patience can answer that question for me. Anyway, it's pretty big number. Clearly, God knows that we are fearful and need to be reminded often that we aren't supposed to fear.
We aren't supposed to fear, because God is in control. He is good. He has a plan. His ways are way better than our own. We can have freedom in Him. Freedom from fear, Freedom from Hell. Freedom to live our lives. This freedom comes from knowing Him and seeking Him daily. Many people think that following God has all these limits and rules. They think that following God with our lives is boring.  They are sadly mistaken. Following God and trusting Him with my life has been the best decision I have ever made. It isn't easy to follow, but it's always worth it. Following Him doesn't guarantee wealth, riches, and an easy life. However, it guarantees the best life!
Personally, I am going through a time, when deciding to follow is not easy. It means leaving a place that I love. It means saying goodbye - maybe forever - to people that I have grown to love as my family. It means stepping out into an unknown future. Who knows where God will lead me. Who knows how long I'll be in America. Who knows if I'll ever get back to Korea or the mission field. Who knows the future? I sure don't. But I trust that my God does. I am letting go of the fear that holds me back. I'm letting go and jumping into the storm ready to go where He leads.

Deuteronomy 31: 7-9 7 Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Israel, “Be strong and courageous, for you shall go with this people into the land that the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall put them in possession of it. 8 It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

Psalm 46: 1 - 3 God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present[b] help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. 

5 

Psalm 118: 5-7 Out of my distress I called on the Lord;
    the Lord answered me and set me free.
6 The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
    What can man do to me?
7 The Lord is on my side as my helper;
    I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.

RESOLUTE

In trying to come up with a title to this blog post, I began thinking about this new year and all it will hold. Then I began thinking about resolutions, which I never really make - because I never follow through. Then I thought about the root word -  resolute. Here is the definition:

I find it so ironic that the meaning of resolute is to be admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering; yet most people never follow through.
So, while I was looking up this word, I happened to be listening to The Stand by Hillsong.

How appropriate. If you listen to it you can see the lyrics. What a resolution for the new year! To resolve to stand for Christ. To live my life in worship of Him.

If you read my previous blog post you know that this year will bring about major change in my life. My prayer for this year is that I will keep my eyes on the One Who keeps me. Even though, right now, I don't know what the future holds. I can trust His plan, because He is good and He is faithful. 

I'll close with the sermon notes from Sunday morning. The sermon was titled Kept By God. It was such a great reminder and so encouraging. 

Kept By God: The Keeping Power of God - Revelation 3:10
"Since you have kept... I will also keep..." 

Faith Leads to obedience; true scriptural obedience is a product of faith! Evidence of Faith is obedience to the Gospel. 

The word Kept in Greek - Tereo - means to watch over, preserve, keep watch.

I. We are kept by God's power in order to keep the command to endure.
II. God promises to Keep Us from the Coming Great Tribulation (Rev 3:10; 2 Peter 3:8-9) 

Isaiah 38: 1-6; 17 --> 17 NIV For it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction. You have put all my sin behind your back  (This is so beautiful and precious! He kepts us from the pit because He loves us! He put our sins behind His back - they are forgiven!) 

III. We are kept by His Power 1 Peter 1: 3-7
A. How? 

i. Through the gift of the new birth

ii. Keeps our inheritance safe

iii. Keeps us through faith

iv. Keeps us through all kinds of troubles to prove our faith is real

IV. He Keeps Us From Falling (Jude 24, 25)
"24 Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, 25 to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen."

a. It's a great promise

b. It's a great presentation

c. It's a Great Praise 

God is able to keep you no matter what is ahead. :) 

Such a great reminder. 

Knowing that I am being kept by God, despite what the future holds, helps me to resolve to Stand for Christ. I pray that others would take the stand and resolve to be strong through to the end!