Singing To My Soul

I love music. I love buying old and new music and I buy lots of it – I used to get it in “other” ways until in college, when my Grandmother said, “Kris, I think that’s stealing. You should probably stop.” I did.  That was a long time ago. You can’t go against Grandmother’s words. 

One of the reasons I love music is because I love singing. I love singing in the shower, I love singing as I drive down the road. I love singing as I walk to and fro. I love singing on praise team at my church. I loved singing along side my Grandmother. I love singing with my Momma. I love singing with friends as we take summer road trips together. I love singing and dancing in the Noraebang (singing room) here in Korea.

My love of singing has grown exponentially over the years as I have gained confidence singing on the praise team at my church here in Korea. Another reason I love to sing, is because I find it cleansing to my soul.

As most of my friends and family know, it doesn’t take a lot to make me cry. I’m a very sensitive girl – even though I’d love to hide that part of me from everyone – and it doesn’t take a whole lot to get the waterworks started. I’ve always been embarrassed by that fact. One of my favorite people, Mr. Miller is always telling me to “Just let it out girl, just let it out.” I always laugh at him and continue in my vain attempts at trying to hide it.

My sensitivity has led me to some extremely emotional times, but I think this past week has been one of my worst. It’s partially hormonal, but mostly God has been unveiling in me a horrible, terrible, no good sin problem. My sin, which has led to so many others, is that I treasure all else above Him. I never thought I had it so bad, but as He has stripped me of the things I held dearest (kind of like pulling off a Band-Aid – one that’s been stuck on for a while) my heart was torn in half.

This loss of the things I held dearest (and honestly, I didn’t realize just how tightly I was holding onto the hope of those things)  has left me feeling empty and broken. I’ve cried enough tears to flood a large fish tank. I’ve felt sick, I struggled to breath. (Some of you may be ready to send me to the crazy hospital. Please don’t, pray for me instead.) I’ve beat myself up (emotionally – I’m too much of a wuss to actually harm myself), I’ve kicked myself for being so stupid.

I feel like Eustace from C.S. Lewis’ Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Eustace was turned into a dragon. The only way he could be turned back into a boy is for Aslan (represents Jesus/God) to use his claws to rip the scales off of Eustace.  I’ve been a dragon lately, too. Thankfully though, as God is stripping me of the hope I’ve been clinging to (not hope in Him, but hope in the temporary) I am being turned into the girl God intends for me to be.

In my emptiness and loneliness, God has met me and and has begun filling me with Himself. He has provided exactly the right people to cry with me, to love me in my craziness, to speak truth to me. He has spoken to me through His word, through our school devotions, my personal devotions, my discipleship time with the girls, through Sunday school. Mostly though, He has met me through music.

Song after song reminds me of His goodness, His mercy, His strength, His faithfulness, His love. Songs that I’ve heard many times before are now clearly speaking truth to my life, reminding me to turn to Him, reminding me of His goodness. Praise team practice became therapeutic as I sang things like, “Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side” and “You are the one who formed my heart, long before my birth” and “I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee, O bless me now my Savior, I come to thee”

I’m so thankful for the gift of music, and I’m thankful to be able to sing all the time, but mostly I’m thankful that God uses the things we love the most to speak truth into our lives – or to sing into our souls.