Of course the tears flow more readily when I'm struggling, but sometimes they come out of nowhere. The tears, I've cried recently are not from nowhere, but from the internal battle that has been raging in my head. This battle is coming from many directions. Who knows what the real problem is. Maybe it's a hormonal imbalance, maybe it's sin in my life that needs to be dealt with, maybe it's disappointment, maybe it's impatience, maybe it's a lack of trust, maybe it's the low view I have of myself, maybe it's exhaustion... Who knows, it would be fantastic to pinpoint it to one area, but I don't know that it's possible.
Even though I have this inner turmoil, I am thankful for two things.
1. God is good. He is faithful. He loves me - despite my craziness, despite my struggle to trust Him completely.
One facet of this inner battle is to fully hand over every dream, idea, and plan I have to Him. He keeps reminding me in His word that He is good. He has plans for me that far exceed anything I can imagine, but fear takes over and I cling tightly to the dreams that I have for myself. I'm sure this fear appears because I see and hear the ways of the world and Satan uses this to lead me to doubt and fear.
He is good because He IS good. (http://www.pbministries.org/books/pink/Attributes/attrib_11.htm) His goodness is who He is. Out of His goodness, He loves me (and everyone else) even though none of us deserve His great love. His great love sent His one and only Son, Jesus, to the cross to be crucified, to die, and to rise again. Sometimes, I struggle to believe He loves me completely. I know He loves me (and the world), enough to send Christ to die for us, but I often find it difficult to believe that the God of the Universe has time to care about the insignificant things in my life. I know He does, I've seen it in action, but the doubts and unbelief is often still there.
2. Friends who listen to God and who follow His leading and are used by God to be beacons of light in a dark time. Friends who don't run away or shut me out when they see me struggle, but step in to be a solid rock.
Another facet of this inner battle is feeling useful for the Kingdom in any capacity. I fail often, I struggle often, I fail to believe I am precious to God or anyone else. I long to be loved, I long to be cared for, and sometimes I associate my singleness with failure. Am I the right person for the job, am I good enough to be able to teach this or coach this or lead that? Do my failures and struggles make me worthless?
These questions and thoughts clog my mind, but just this weekend - after calling to God for help - God answered those questions for me. He used two precious friends to speak the truth my heart needed to hear. One was a text message from a close friend, just offering me encouragement after a disappointing evening of volleyball. The other called me and we chatted. At the end of our conversation she said, "Kristen, I just want you to remember that God is good, He is faithful and you are precious to Him." I hung up and the faucet started running. How did she know I needed to hear those words, she didn't know how much I had been struggling last week. I ended up spending the entire morning with her, because she helped me go find a lost wallet. As she drove me around to find it, she started "preaching" at me, but every word that flowed from her mouth were words that I've been needing to hear about myself and reminders of God's faithful love and His amazing goodness.
Tomorrow starts a new week. His mercies are new each day. His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me...
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