Choosing Joy

I've been in a slump. I'm sure that's no surprise, if you look back through my history of blog posts you'll see that they come pretty frequently. This last slump has been bothering me though. As I look back on the beginnings of it, I can name some reasons as to why it began, but that's not really the point. I can blame circumstances and situation, but it's a matter of choice really.
After I've had some time to rest and recoup after a very busy semester, I'm able to see my slump in a new light. It took me a while to get to this point. First, I had to wallow in my self-doubt, loneliness, homesickness, worries about the future, and deal with the voices that tell me that I'm not good enough, that I'm not pretty enough, that I'm not doing my best, the voice that says you started out strong - eating well, exercising, doing work, reading your Bible - but you failed, like you always do. Of course, if you know me - even a little bit at all - you know that this came through tears, ones that I tried not to show to anyone, because that evil little voice in my head says that crying is for wimps and people that need to see special doctors for help. While, I know this isn't true, that evil little voice takes over. Especially if I get still for a while. 

That's what happened during this break. Other than going to church and couple of basketball practices, I really didn't do much. Usually, I thoroughly enjoy the time to just be alone and relax, but this time it was really difficult.  

Thankfully, through all of this turmoil there has been a still, calm voice, saying, "Trust Me. We can get through this together. Listen to my Words." I was listening, but obedience is something that I struggle with, so instead of getting out my Bible, I turned on the computer, or made a phone call, or took a nap. So, the voices just raged on. 

I left town for a couple of days to go visit a friend. We had good conversations, but mostly I just rested and relaxed, while she took care of me. I think I needed that, because I'm back at home now and my mind is clear and I realize that this struggle simple came from choices that I made. The choice to allow worry to take over, to allow self-doubt and loneliness to creep in, so that it was all I could see. 

This morning, I decided that I would begin again, start over - hey, that's what New Year's are for anyway, right? (I know it's the 2nd, but I wasn't home yesterday, so get over it!)
This morning I opened my Bible where I left off reading on Sunday, in Philippians- I reread the whole book. I reread these familiar verses, 4: 4-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I saw something new in this familiar passage of scripture. "The Lord is near." What a reminder. Just what I needed, I had pulled away, yet He is near. What a way to start my new year, remembering that, "The Lord is near!"
After I read this passage, I thought, 'I should start working on memorizing scripture again, I think I'll start with this passage.' So, I got out my big pink journal, the one I got for this school year, the one that I've neglected since September...

The last thing I had written in it was this, 

How to have complete joy

- It's already been made known

- The most important thing is to know Jesus - the greatest need

- To have a relationship with Him

- To grow to be like Him

- My life must reflect Jesus

- Receive this gift, remember it is always good (and really receive any gift that God gives, whether I think it's what I need/want or not.) 

- See the benefits of the gift

Putting that journal entry (I'm not even sure where it came from...) with the passage from Philippians I had read, I have found my theme for this new year. To Choose Joy, despite the circumstance. To choose joy, even when I'm sad., when I'm lonely, when I'm hurting, when I'm overwhelmed, when I'm frustrated with people, when I am tired. There will be bumps in the road this year. I will have days when I want to scream. There will be times, when I allow peoples actions to make me sad. There will be days when I want to give it all up. I know they will come, but today I will choose joy. Tomorrow, I will choose joy. The Lord is near, I am His child. That's all that matters.