Sunday, January 11, 2015

He Speaks to Me.

So, I'm a little behind, but it's still January, so it's still valid to write a blog about the new year, right? lol. 

I was sitting in my chair on New Years Eve morning, watching the Today show. They were doing a countdown of all the events of 2014. The music started playing and before the video started rolling, I started bawling. Not just tears streaming down my face, but like crazy lady crying. It came out of the blue. I guess as I had begun thinking about 2014, I started thinking "What a hard year!" I don't want to go through one of those again.
When your world gets flipped upside down - even if it was by choice, you have two options you make the best of it and see your new life as an adventure or you do like me and fall apart. I don't recommend the latter - it makes it really hard to move on. Maybe if I was a better Christian, I would have done better. Maybe not, maybe this girl needed to fall apart, so that God could do some major work in her life. 

Anyway, I had hoped that Christmas vacation would allow me to pause life so I could get back on track, but mostly I sat at home sinking further into a dark place, not understanding how I had let myself get to this point. I enjoyed my times with family and friends, but when I was alone it was pretty bad. I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. Finally, I just cried out to God asking Him to help me, because I am a wreck and need Him to pull it back together. 

You know what happened? He did, he started putting the pieces of me together. He started showing me what the real problem was, He started speaking to me. It started at Sunday school. I had barely made it in time, because I was struggling that morning. We talked about depression, not the clinical kind, but the kind that many people go through. We talked about how most people in the church shy away from the topic because Christians are supposed to have it all together. That day, I began to realize that God was telling me that I needed to stop pretending like I was doing good, when in reality, I was falling apart. 

Then in another church service my pastor began talking about the new year and how as a believer we should not make resolutions, but we should make a New Year's Revolution. Not just a small change, that probably wouldn't amount to much, but a life altering change. Christ wants to revolutionize my words (be warning others and encourage others), my walk (be a helper and be a patient leader), my will (seeking God's will toward other's and show forgiveness), and my worship (true worship requires prayer, thanksgiving, testing, obedience, and openness.)  
This sermon really helped me to think about this past year, especially the past six months. I am in this place because God has called me here, yet I've struggled to really live. Maybe because it hurts to let go of the past, maybe I don't want to become attached, maybe I'm afraid, maybe I am focused on myself too much and am not focusing on God and the people to whom He has called me to serve. 
This morning, after another struggle filled day yesterday, I made myself sit down to do my devotional, It reminded me of the hymn, The Love of God, which says 

O love of God, how rich and pure!
  How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure—
    The saints’ and angels’ song.

 This has been the theme of my day today, after a night of tears and stress about money, Don't fear, because God loves you. He will care for you. (The cover of our church bulletin today had a bird on the front, with the verse about the sparrows - God cares for even the little sparrow, how much more will He care for you... (Loose paraphrase, lol))
Then again our Sunday school lesson and sermons today were like God was speaking directly with me. I'm so thankful that He does speak. I'm so thankful that He knows my struggle. I'm so thankful that I'm not stuck, but rather being molded and made into a better version of this messed up child, one that is more like Christ. I'm thankful He speaks clearly. This morning, I had that song in my heart, tonight we sang it at church. Think it is a coincidence? No? Me, either. 
Listen to the song here. 

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